Growth in the Name of Love

While I was focused on myself, trying as hard as I could to crush life on my own and make myself happy and productive, I forgot to look. I forgot to get anxious. I forgot to focus on men. I didn’t stay up late talking to anyone and I didn’t wake up early looking for good morning texts. I didn’t shop for date clothes, I didn’t cancel spin classes for after date hangovers, I didn’t have something to think about, worry for, stress about and ultimately bang my head against a wall over. There was nobody irritating me, asking incessant or invasive questions. Nobody was inappropriate, raunchy or creepy. I wasn’t made to feel worthless, useless, unattractive or insignificant. I wasn’t objectified, sexually harassed or blamed for tasteless comments based on the fact that I wore something either tight or revealing. I didn’t have to explain my schedule, my hobbies, my work, interests or any other life story, highlighting my greatest hits to impress.

I didn’t have to pretend to care about an ex-girlfriend/wife and how that baggage has carried over into other relationships, thus ruining them for a future with other women. I didn’t have to rearrange my schedule to accommodate anybody else’s and I didn’t have to be the one making all the sacrifices. I came and went as I pleased, thinking only of myself without being mindful of waking someone up or keeping them up at night. I listened to the tv so quietly I could barely hear it and basked in the sweet silence of nobody arguing with me or asking questions. I danced in my underwear for hours to music only I enjoyed and smoked weed in my kitchen just because I could. I left dirty dishes in the sink for days because nobody was relying on me to do chores I didn’t feel like doing. I made pizza, pasta, baked cookies, ate Chinese food and neglected my normally healthy diet. I did me. In fact, I “did me” every morning and twice every night because why fucking not, this is single life baby! I lived for me. Maybe for the first time in my life I was the me-est me! (I realize that sounds Suessical) It was glorious and as much as I have loved time with other people, relationships and romance, I will remember most the quality time I had on my own to get right with my soul. I didn’t know it at the time, but it was what prepared me to be the best human, the best woman and best partner for another person when the time was right. It wasn’t until I logged out of the real world and went off on my own me-themed staycation that I was able to reflect and fully understand why I needed it. I healed old wounds by crying, rifling through pictures of the past, yelling, venting and closing old doors that weren’t leading anywhere. I had difficult conversations with people that I had put off for so long because I was afraid of the response. I thanked the people who love me for staying and the rest I thanked for leaving. I reconnected with old friends and made lots of new ones. They brought interesting new challenges, passion, laughter and opportunity. They took their time getting to know me and got high from the intensity of my vibes. In my newfound glory of being on my own I was giddy and childlike.

I worked hard, wrote a book, edited someone else’s and lined up work I never thought I’d have the chance to do. I told jokes, stories, shared experiences and encouraged others to share their stories with me. I was charming, engaging, open and… HAPPY. For the first time ever in my life, I dated me. I made myself happier than any man had in years. It was the most honest and fulfilling path I have ever taken. I will never have regrets for exploring myself and getting to know the person I neglected so haphazardly over the years. I forgave myself for personal wrongdoings and accepted my own apology for the injustice. I paid close attention to my reactions to other people’s words and worked on being patient and carefully considerate of their feelings.

I was kind to others (even more so than before) and reached out to people I knew needed a friend. I listened, nodded, showed empathy and offered solicited advice when it was warranted. Committed in my due diligence to people in need, I vowed to be more focused on the individuals I served daily in my job. I helped them develop and enhance their skills and in turn allowed them to teach me about tenacity, fortitude and self-discipline. I saw them fall in frustration and immediately dust themselves off and rise again until they achieved success. I learned that it doesn’t matter who you are, where you came from, where you are going or even where you are headed. If you do all things in the name of love, you will gain all that is possible for you and likewise you will be deserving of this love.

Love has failed me, abused me, disappointed me and made me question who I am time and time again. But it is because of love that I have been able to smile again, laugh and fight for anybody who is unable to stand on their own. I have always done things with that love in my heart but losing sight of why and how to love myself actually brought me more romance than I ever thought possible. I needed to fall out of love with me to learn that I could fall back in. This time, I learned to treat myself with much more kindness and in turn I am able to be a much kinder human.

As I emerge and prepare to enter the next phase of my life, I am calm, centered and ready to work. Having done all of the inner work I never knew I needed, I’m a much happier and informed woman, therefore more available to make another person happy. So many lessons learned and so many nights spent solving the mysteries of my own mind, but I am better for it. Cheers to me and cheers to you for taking the time to date yourself, study you and become an expert in doing what makes you supremely happy. I am here for you in the meantime, for those times in which you can’t find yourself or if you can and you just need a humble brag about the work you have put in.

Here’s to becoming a kind human, this is the best decision you could ever make…in the name of love.